Die A Little Death
by themoonmaiden
Summary: Usagi's dirty little secret is exposed. What's a girl to do? Tell the truth, of course.


DIE A LITTLE DEATH

Hello there! This is probably be the only fic SM fic I'll write. One-shot, semi-AU, Usagi-centered. Takes place just after Nehelenia gets healed in Stars and, in case you get confused, there are stray youma. Like in the episode after Pharaoh 90/Mistress 9 is destroyed by SSM and Saturn, there's a youma that survived. Inspired by the first stanza of "Take a Bow" by Madonna. Enjoy! 

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_Say goodbye, the night is over_

"It's always the park," she muttered to herself. "You'd think that after all this time, they'd target some other area. But no..." She ducked as the scorpion/crab hybrid of a monster aimed its acidic green blob at her. She looked at the sizzling tree trunk behind her and shuddered. "No originality whatsoever, but still, that was pretty close..." 

She zigzagged her way across the open field as the monster once again outstretched its humongous tail and prepared to launch its deadly projectiles. So far, none of them found their mark, but she wasn't taking any chances. The whole thing was getting downright ridiculous. She had been fighting this particular creature for quite a while now and frankly, with all that running and jumping and dodging (and screaming), she was getting exhausted. Keeping that freak away from the unconscious victims by the bench was taking its toll. From the corner of her eye, she could see a figure slowly starting to stir. She dared to glance just to make sure she wasn't imagining things and quickly berated herself as she found herself flung far as if she were a raggedy doll. 

'Ouch! That hurt,' she whined as she got up to rub her sore bottom. 'So far, I've done a great job entertaining Mr. Crabbie over there with my pathetic senshi abilities. But I gotta do something. This can't last forever.' She formulated a plan, something she was sure Mercury would have done before taking on this energy-sucking bully. 

'I have to get rid of the tail first,' she decided after mulling over several half-baked ideas. But before she could do that, she had to make sure the monster was immobilized first. Although it was massive, it still moved at an alarming speed. "If only I still have my tiara, I could let it fly and get this whole thing over with," she mused. Distracted, she didn't notice that her foe was charging at her as if it were a deranged bull until it was too late. 

"Yikes!" She exclaimed as she saw the damage done to the water fountain. 'I barely dodged that one. I'll be history if this monster keeps charging at me or... Wait a minute. Forget about the tail. I could just tire it out.' She decided right then it would have to do. It was risky, but she had no other choice. She knew she should call the other senshi, but that would mean breaking her promise. No, she couldn't do that. She just had to make sure her mind didn't wander into lala land again. 

Five, ten, twenty minutes elapsed. The monster, now tired and cranky, slowed down and howled. 'Now's my chance.' With adrenaline pumping through her veins, she shortened the distance between them and concentrated until her rod appeared. She then chanted the words, "Starlight Honeymoon Therapy Kiss!" The monster wailed pitifully as the onslaught of pure Moon magic melted its hard exoskeleton until it finally disappeared. 

Wasting no time, she headed toward the still unconscious victims and quickly checked their pulse. 'Thank goodness. If I'd been a few minutes late, they could have died from severe energy loss.' Making sure they had no serious wounds, she looked at the sky and cursed. 'Geez, I'd better get going or else Luna'll go ballistic.' With that in mind, she ran as fast as she could. Her destination? Home. 

Unknown to her, someone hiding in the shadows witnessed the entire thing. 

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_This masquerade is getting older_

Thanks to her daily mad dashes to school, she got home in record time. Glancing to the left then to the right, she powered down. In place of pretty suited Eternal Sailormoon stood pajama clad Tsukino Usagi. She held her breath as she opened the back door as quietly as she could. Realizing that everyone was still fast asleep, she relaxed. 'Ooh boy. All that fighting got me really hungry. I must reenergize myself." She then tiptoed toward the kitchen and headed straight to where the refrigerator stood. When she opened it, her mouth watered. All the yummy food her dear mother had cooked earlier was within her grasp. She couldn't decide what to get so she grabbed the nearest one: a deep fried chicken drumstick. 

Just as she was about to bite into it, she winced. Using the light coming from the fridge, she quickly found the source of her discomfort. There was a large gash on her right shoulder all the way to her elbow. She then remembered that the first time the monster threw her, she hit the side of the now destroyed water fountain. She hadn't noticed the pain because she was too busy trying to stay alive. 'I'd better pour some alcohol on it or something. Don't want it to get infected.' She reluctantly put back the drumstick, walked into the bathroom, and treated her wound. She made a funny face when she applied the disinfectant. 'Owwww, that stings!' She frantically blew on the wound several times since it stung so much. 'It's a good thing it's not that deep. Hmmm, looks like I'll be wearing a long sleeved shirt tomorrow.' A groan. 'Oh man, and it'll be such a nice day too.' 

And that was when she realized she wasn't alone. 

"Geez!" She placed a shaky arm across her chest to slow down the erratic beating of her heart and whispered, "Don't scare me, Luna. I could've keeled over from fright. I'm too young and too pretty, you know?" 

It took a few moments before Luna, who was standing at the doorway, voiced her thought. "Why?" 

"What do you mean? Why would I keel over? You almost gave a heart attack." 

"That's not what I meant." A pause. "Why?" 

"Why? Why am I down here? I told you I was going to get some food, didn't I?" 

Luna snorted. "Yes, an hour and a half ago. And believe me, you wouldn't have taken that long to get something from the kitchen." Flicking her long black tail in a haughty manner, she added, "I saw the whole thing, you know. What were you doing fighting that monster all by yourself?" 

Usagi feigned ignorance, but knowing Luna, she knew she was busted. How was she supposed to get out of this situation? She'd get an earful for sure. Should she tell the truth and be subjected to ridicule? Silence pervaded as she cleaned up the sink. She then motioned Luna to follow her up the stairs and into the privacy of her bedroom. 

_Lights are low, the curtains down_

No words were spoken until the door was firmly shut. Luna immediately asked the same question and was startled when she heard the reply. 

"Because I wanted to," Usagi said in a small voice as she sank to the carpeted floor. Stretching her unwounded arm, she reached over for the cherished stuffed pink bunny that had fallen off her bed and hugged it. She wanted to. Simple as that. 

She heard her guardian draw a harsh breath. "The other senshi have been keeping you safe all this time and yet you still go out at night and endanger yourself? If you knew there was a monster loose, why didn't you contact them? Why didn't you tell me? Why did you tackle that thing out in the park all by yourself? You could have been hurt or worse! Are you really that stupid?!?" 

"No!" Hugging her bunny closer as if she were drawing strength from it, she looked into Luna's contempt-filled ruby eyes and poured the feelings -- the frustations and the doubts and the guilt -- she had been harboring for a long time. "No, not stupid, but selfish. Don't you think I don't know that? Every time we faced a monster, everyone had to make sure nothing bad happened to me. They'd even get in the way of attacks meant for lazy, old me. If I wasn't the goddamned Moon Princess, they would be out there, enjoying their lives. Ami would be in Germany and become a doctor by now if it weren't for me. Rei, Minako, Makoto... Everyone would have been pursuing their own dreams. They wouldn't be put into the line of fire time and time again because some deranged psycho wanted to kill the stupid princess they'd sworn allegiance to a thousand years ago. Don't you get it, Luna? Every time they turn their backs on opportunities, every time they get hurt, every time they die, I die a little death." 

By this time, tears were running down Usagi's cheeks. She felt like a great burden was lifted off her chest. But she wasn't done yet. There was too much to say. 

"I fight by myself because I want to. It's the only thing I can do after all the sacrifices they made and will make because of me. I fight by myself because it's my way of saying 'Thank you, but you needn't bother to risk your life and limbs for me this time. Let me protect you for once.' I fight by myself because it's time to grow up. I can't be hiding behind them forever. For them to bail me out whenever I get into trouble isn't right. I can't be their only priority; they have their own lives and families to think about too. I fight by myself because even though I'm the princess everyone looks up to, I'm also a senshi and it's my duty to make sure they're safe. 

"Sometimes I wonder whether I'm really supposed to be Serenity. I'm not exactly a princess material, you know. The real Serenity wouldn't pig out or trip over or bomb tests..." She lowered her head and started to draw patterns on the carpeted floor with her index finger. She was nervous. Should she tell Luna? But what if her guardian just brushed off her feelings as if they were nonsense? Oh, but this was a night of revelations, wasn't it? So she might as well. "And Mamo-chan... Mamo-chan and I only got together when we found out about our past. It was like, 'Might as well pick up from where we left off a thousand years ago' kind of thing. There weren't really any romantic interactions between us in our civilian forms if you think about it. I know Sailormoon and Tuxedo Kamen had a somewhat romantic thing going on, but in our civilian forms? We couldn't stand each other! Tell me, Luna, how can two people who take great delight in tormenting each other be soulmates? 

"It doesn't matter. I've fallen in love with him anyway. He says he feels the same way with me. Actually, he hasn't said anything. Not even once. And when we go out on dates, I can't help but think if he's only putting up with me because of our past. Does he love me for who I am, not for who I was and who I will become? Is he with me because he doesn't want to destroy Chibiusa and Crystal Tokyo? That's also a reason why I fight without the others. To prove to myself and to others that I may not be as perfect as Serenity, but I do try. 

"And now that Mamo-chan is leaving, I have to double my efforts. I have to make sure I won't need him coming to my rescue. If I don't, he'll miss his chance to study abroad. I don't want to be responsible for that. And although it'll break my heart, I want him as far away from me as possible. In fact, I plan to see him off at the airport tomorrow with a smile. I want the others to get away from me too, but I can't tell them that. They won't understand." 

She wiped the tears on the hem of her shirt. But it was a lost cause. It seemed like a great dam had been broken. 

At a loss for words, Luna wept. She didn't realize how much her young charge had matured over the years. She had always wondered to herself why Usagi was a total flake and not the princess and warrior she was supposed to be. And now that Usagi proved her wrong, she was ashamed. She hadn't been a good guardian after all. How could she have not seen it? How could she have not seen that whenever Usagi pulled a disappearing act, it was because she'd been putting herself in harm's way? How could she have not seen that behind Usagi's smiles and silly antics, there was a girl hurting? 

She sniffled as she felt herself getting picked up off the floor, placed on the bed, and hugged. Minutes later, she heard the gentle breathing coming from the exhausted girl. Usagi had fallen asleep already. Well, Luna couldn't blame her. The battle and the talk must have taken their toll. Wiggling free from her warm cocoon, she just stared at the peaceful expression on Usagi's tear-streaked face. It seemed like the truth had set her free. Resolving to keep all of this a secret from the girls (at least, for now), she kissed Usagi's forehead and whispered, "I'm so proud of you." 

Outside, three shooting stars streaked across the moonlit sky. 

_All the world loves a clown..._


End file.
